World Breathes Sigh of Relief... Braces for Coming Culture War

THE PENTAGON - Information released from the Pentagon today confirms reports that leaked this morning debunking the claims of a North Korean nuclear test. Military Forensic Choreographers had in fact made this determination almost immediately upon seeing the seismology reports, but somehow the information had difficulty making its way to the public. During this afternoon's press conference, when asked why the release of information had been so slow, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld explained that under the current Uniform Code of Military Justice, commanding officers are precluded from even inquiring who might be a Military Choreographer and the analysts are discouraged from volunteering the information as well.

The briefing continued: "What was originally suspected to be a low-level underground nuclear test was in fact the thundering finale of the first North Korean National Touring Company of The Lord of the Dance."

betcha weren't expecting that

With the conclusion of the Pentagon briefing and the secret now public a communique was released from the North Korean Ministry of War:

"The country of North Korea has no desire to acquire nuclear weapons. The last practical application of such a weapon happened more than half a century ago. The people of this nation have no need for such an antiquated technology. While the bulk of the world's rising nations climb over each other for the scraps of the cold war, trying to attain a status as a member of some kind of club, the North Korean military has armed itself with the weapon of the next century: Dance!

For far too long now the decadent countries of the West have waged an unopposed culture war against the peace loving people of the East. Bombs, tanks, and bullets have been replaced with fatty food, indecent clothing, and lowbrow movies. But this one sided battle will be one sided no longer. Our great leader Kim Jong Il is taking his feet of fury on the road. Soon audiences all over the West will be mesmerized by the seemingly impossible choreography of Korean Step Dancing. We will steal your children's hearts and then conquer your governments as an afterthought."

Calls to the White House for comment were unreturned. The Actor's Equity Association reported they were looking into ways to oppose Kim Jong Il's casting of himself in a role that could clearly be played by an American. When asked if they would book the show even with the threat to National Security, a press agent for LiveNation Entertainment said they were still considering the matter.

Caught on the way to his car, Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said: "Clearly a new threat is on the horizon. Americans will have to find a way to protect themselves from Korean Step Dancing more effectively than we have previously demonstrated with the Irish variety."