So, this is Kevin's original "Ask Hardwareman" compilation of universal TD truths. It was for regional theatre and is better than I remembered (and typed) the other day:
Dear Hardwareman,
I was just hired as the technical director for a regional theater. Do you have any sage advice?
(Anonymous)
Dear Anon,
1. Never use a stock unit in a show unless you know exactly how it was built.
2. Never let anyone rig unless you know they REALLY know what they’re doing. And never let a momo coil your rope
3. “Draft twice, build once” is the TD’s version of the carpenter’s adage, “measure twice, cut once”.
4. You can never have too many 1-5/8” drywall screws on hand.
5. Whenever possible, use a real one. It’s frequently cheaper.
6. Designers aren’t always trying to annoy you when they specify a hardcovered flat 8’-3” tall by 4’-3” wide. Sometimes it really matters. I said SOME times.
7. Often, the scenic unit you are most proud of and consider your greatest technical accomplishment will be cut from the show. I find that in these cases, heavy drinking is preferable to open weeping during tech notes.
8. When in doubt, overbuild.
9. If it moves, overbuild it, even when not in doubt.
10. Always test a moving unit if an electrician has been anywhere near it since it was last moved. They have this funny way of stringing cables everywhere.
11. Be willing to pay more for a known quality than an unknown quality.
12. Mountain Dew and PainAid are not in any of the four basic food groups. They are members of an elite food group.
13. Directors respond to you better if you don’t call them “pinhead” to their faces.
14. If you are a male person and don’t wear a beard, only shave when you have a day off. (I’m gonna let this one be a little mysterious for the uninitiated.)
15. Whenever anyone suggests using real dirt in quantity on stage, run screaming in terror from the building and answer that ad for that job hanging drywall.
16. As a TD, you will be continually asked to violate the laws of physics. It is your responsibility to do so.
17. Many unsolvable spatial problems can be remedied after stage management has gone home, by moving a few spike marks.
18. Try and laugh at least once every day.
19. If you accidentally move a lighting instrument, it’s good to tell lighting about it right away. If you don’t, they’ll eventually find out about it, then get back at you by stringing another cable somewhere.
20. In our world, it’s perfectly normal to build a brick wall in front of the brick wall, hang a grid underneath the grid, and hang masking in front of the masking.
The interesting thing is that there is a story behind each and every one of these statements. As I recall, #4 is about my throwing a fit during a load in. #5 is about a unit in the same show - a chain link fence gate. #14 has been me on many occasions. #15 & #20 are from the same show as #4 & #5, it was a real prototypical experience in frustration. Even though these things mostly have one show or person at their root, they really do apply to many many productions and participants.
1 comment:
how can i get a copy of the "Dear Hardwareman for newly hired Educational Institution TDs"?...i think there was one floating around somewhere awhile back...if not...would you mind flagging down Hardwareman and asking?
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